웃ella웃

i may always be sad.

i fear if i am ever murdered that they will assume i just killed myself.

if i am murdered & you find this, i did not kill myself.

sad people do not always kill themselves.

i can love my life, and still be sad. i can love who i am, and still be sad.

i can be sad about everything, but that doesn’t mean i’m unhappy.

i close my eyes, and i think of you.

“what are you wearing?

have you ate today?

are you thinking about me?

how was work?

what are your current interests?

do you even miss me?

how is your mom? i hope she’s okay.

are your classes going well?

do you like to sleep next to her more? does she snore? probably not.

how have you been?

what’s your new favorite song?

do i ever cross your mind?”

& it hits me. i always think about you, & i always hope you’re thinking about me.

does this make me selfish, or am i just scared?

will you find someone who will make my appearance in your life meaningless?

i’m sitting here and once again, i’m dwelling in the way you make me feel.

i’m overcome with feelings of sadness, disbelief, and grief.

i grieve over the person i thought you were.

the one before all of the truth had spilled from your rotten lips, and turned my heart into this vulnerable, little piece of glass.

everytime i breathe, she punctures me yet again. she begs me to explain to her as to why i did this, why i allowed you to hurt her again.

i remember her before i met you. i used to pray to the god’s above you’d see her for who she really was. she was loving. she was brave. she was kind. she was thoughtful. she gave pieces of herself to strangers who needed them more than she did.

back then, she craved loved. more than she craved respect, more than honesty, more than her fear of rejection; she didn’t understand what love was, so she accepted your fucked up version of it.

i wish i could sit down with her, & tell her to brace herself. i would prepare her for the worst year of her life. i would tell her how you made her feel so small, how your opinion shaped how she felt about herself. i would explain to her how she will end up crying, craving your body next to hers.

i never understood people when they referenced love being a drug. not until i experienced it. not until i laid awake at night, shaking because i didn’t have my fix of you. the only thing in my mind was when i would get my next high off of you. you were more important than anything else in my life & my world revolved around you.

i’d do anything to be able to love you again. i really would.

the never ending amount of possibilities you & i shared will forever hold my heart in a time warp.

i’ll sit and i’ll dream of what could have been.

i’ll lay down at night and suffocate myself in my mind.

i’m afraid that eventually i won’t remember the day we overslept, and how you rushed to get ready for work.

you threw on your boots, slicked your hair back, and tossed on a jacket you had hanging by the photo your little sister had made you.

i want to remember how we woke up that one christmas morning to your grandparents making breakfast, and how soft your nana spoke when she asked me how i liked my coffee.

you and your grandpa sat there, screaming at whatever sport was playing upon the screen. i want to say you were watching baseball, but it could have easily been football, or Nascar; i was so captivated by you in your pajamas, and messy hair.

i want to remember the night we first met. i want to remember the booth we sat in, the leather seats, the songs we played; every aspect of the night that had changed things for me. i had been unusually excited, and as soon as our mouths opened, they never shut. we began learning each other, studying the features on our faces as the other one spoke, and for someone who was so misunderstood, my soul heard yours as if they’d met before.

i remember when you first told me you loved me. we had gotten into a fight over something that shouldn’t have mattered, and i don’t even remember what it was about anymore.

i’m listening to her sing and i find myself utterly broken. what if i never again find someone who will love me the way she did what if i never again get to love someone so fiercely and with such joy. i miss her like an ache in my bones and i don’t know if i’ll ever meet someone who understands me quite the way she does. what if i’m unable to find a bestfriend whose soul spoke to mine the way yours did?

They’ll continue to apologize and then turn around to continue to do what hurt you.

They’ll attempt to make everyone around them feel sorry for them, and the truth is, it’s only because they feel sorry for themselves.

If you’re ever caught doing better than them, they’ll be sure to remind you that you’re not.

It doesn’t matter how much you love them, a narcissistic person will never change. Do what you need to do and cut them off.

you can be a strong person and still struggle with mental health.

f-ckmedead:

southernintrovert1996:

shyblvckdewd:

animal-factbook:

preservable:

i just took an online vision test that tells you what color your eyes and at first i’m like, “yeah ok like that will work”

BUT THEY GOT IT RIGHT…

how’d they know I have hazel eyes based on those questions?????

here’s the link if anyone else wants to try it

IT GOT MINE RIGHT TOO… What kind of sorcery is this?!?

Wow wtf

That’s weird. I wasn’t expecting it to be real. Brown eyes

So I’ve already taken this test and it is 100% real and awesome. Reblogging so any followers who haven’t seen this yet can check it out.

(via spaece)

my heart will miss you forever